The Hardest Surrender: When the Covenant Was Yours, Not God’s

Sometimes, we have to take a big step back and look at life from a different perspective—especially when we’re facing the hardest surrender of our lives.

The past year of my life has been one heartbreak after another—a never-ending wave of emotional warfare that left me questioning everything. I often wondered if I was being punished. But deep in my spirit, I knew the truth: God was pruning me.

I’ve learned that the hardest surrender isn’t always letting go of a situation—it’s letting go of what we thought was God’s will.

“He cuts off every branch in me that bears no fruit, while every branch that does bear fruit He prunes, that it may bear more fruit.” – John 15:2 NKJV

God wasn’t punishing me. He was refining me. He was showing me what my heart refused to see.

Blind to the Warning Signs

There are moments when we want something so desperately that we convince ourselves it’s from God—even when all the signs say otherwise. We interpret circumstances through the lens of our desires instead of through the wisdom of the Holy Spirit.

For over a year, I fought for my marriage. I was determined to believe that because marriage is a covenant, it must be God’s will that we remain together. But deep down, I began to realize something painful: this may not have been God’s covenant. It was one I entered into on my own, never asking the Lord if this was the man He had chosen for me.

I didn’t seek His voice. I just followed my heart—and it led me into grief upon grief after the death of my previous husband. I thought love alone could carry me through. But I now see how immature and vulnerable I truly was, even after years of spiritual growth.

Confusing Signs with Confirmation

When your heart is set on something, it’s easy to twist even the most neutral sign into a “yes” from God. We cry out, “Lord, is this Your will?” but only after we’ve already made up our minds.

“There is a way that seems right to a man, but its end is the way of death.” – Proverbs 14:12 NKJV

I moved ahead of God. I didn’t ask—I assumed. And that assumption came with a high price.

The Shame That Follows

It’s not easy to admit this. Especially as someone who writes for broken women, who ministers through truth and transparency. The enemy loves to whisper lies: “You’re a fraud.” “You failed.” “Why should anyone listen to you?”

But the voice of God cuts through those lies:

“My beloved daughter, when will you see that My love is enough? When will you surrender fully and trust that I know what’s best for you? Release control and let Me lead. I have so much more for you. I love you. Just let go.”

Sis, maybe you’re in that same place today—clinging to something you think God gave you, but He’s been gently asking you to release it.

God Sees What We Don’t

God sees what we cannot. He sees the abuse behind the smile. He sees the intentions of a man’s heart. He sees our pain when we’re too ashamed to speak it.

And while I wish I had surrendered it all to God from the start, I’m thankful that even in my failure, He wastes nothing.

“And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose.” – Romans 8:28 NKJV

This season has taught me that surrendering to God’s will often looks nothing like we imagined.

When the Fruit Doesn’t Match the Feelings

In the beginning, my heart was full of hope. I felt peace, joy, and excitement—at least on the surface. But emotions can be deceiving when they’re not anchored in truth.

“The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately wicked; who can know it?” – Jeremiah 17:9 KJV

As the months went on, God began gently pulling back the curtain. I started to notice red flags that I had either ignored or justified. Things like:

• Manipulation disguised as protection
• Isolation from godly community (like not being allowed to attend a women’s Bible study group because he insisted he be the only one I study with—so he could control what I believed and twist Scripture to match his distorted interpretations)
• Emotional control masked as passion
• Anger that always had an excuse
• No spiritual fruit, only promises of change

For a long time, I confused his charm for character. I clung to moments of apology instead of looking for sustained repentance. I believed intentions were enough. But God was asking me to look for fruit.

“You will recognize them by their fruits. Are grapes gathered from thornbushes, or figs from thistles?” – Matthew 7:16 CSB

And the truth is… the fruit wasn’t there. At least not the kind that reflects Christ. There was no love, no joy, no peace—just fear, confusion, and survival mode.

I wasn’t thriving. I wasn’t even living—I was bracing. I found myself constantly anxious, like I was walking on eggshells in my own home. I was no longer a wife—I was a woman stuck in a perpetual state of fight or flight.

I’d feel a knot in my stomach when I heard the door open. I’d flinch at his tone, try to read the air, predict his mood before I dared to speak. I stayed silent to keep the peace. I downplayed the verbal abuse. I told myself, “Just pray harder. Submit more. Be patient. He’s wounded.”

But none of that is the fruit of godly leadership. None of that is the heart of Christ for His daughters.

“For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind.” – 2 Timothy 1:7 NKJV

The Holy Spirit kept whispering: “This is not My peace.”

But even as God revealed the truth and my heart shattered, He was still with me. He didn’t just expose the pain—He began to walk me through it. He didn’t leave me in the fire—He met me inside of it.

That’s the goodness of our God. He doesn’t just call us out of something—He calls us closer to Him in the process.

Obedience in the Fire

Even as my world burned, God called me to keep writing. To keep showing up. To let my ashes become a testimony. Every post, every prayer, every whispered “yes” in the midst of chaos has been used by God to reach someone else.

If I can come through the fire, so can you.

You are not too broken. You are not too far gone. You are not too late. God loves you—fully and fiercely—even in your failure.

“The Lord is near to those who have a broken heart, and saves such as have a contrite spirit.” – Psalm 34:18 NKJV

So Here’s My Word to You

Let go.

Let God.

He knows better than we ever could. He sees the unseen. He’s not trying to punish you—He’s trying to free you.

Resources for the Healing Journey:

• Grieving With Purpose: When Pain Doesn’t Cancel Your Calling
• When Life Doesn’t Go as Planned
• Come to the Well: A Prophetic Call to Rest

Want to go deeper? Download your copy of

In His Presence: A 30-Day Journey to Inner Healing & Spiritual Renewal

Closing Prayer

Father,

Thank You for loving me enough to reveal the truth, even when it hurts. Thank You for walking with me through the fire and never leaving me in the dark. I surrender every part of my heart to You—especially the parts still clinging to what You’ve asked me to release. Teach me to trust You more than my feelings, more than my fears. Show me how to walk in freedom, not fear. Heal what’s been broken. Restore what’s been stolen. And use my story to bring healing to others.

In Jesus’ name, Amen.

Journal Reflection Prompt

• What is God asking me to release in this season?
• Am I holding onto something out of fear, or faith?
• What fruit—or lack of fruit—have I been ignoring in a situation I’ve been praying about?