When He Shows You Who He Is: Believe Him
Table of Contents
I never thought I would write this. But here I am, raw and trembling, typing words I once prayed I would never have to say out loud. I write this because silence protects the wrong person. Silence keeps women like me trapped in cycles of heartbreak. And silence gives the enemy the upper hand.
So I will not be silent anymore.
This is my testimony, not the pretty polished one people expect from a Christian woman who stayed “faithful.” This is the messy, jagged-edged truth: when a man shows you who he is, believe him.
I had to learn the hard way that my worth was never tied to someone else’s treatment of me. If you are struggling to remember your value, I shared more in Understanding Your Worth: Finding Your Identity in Christ.
The Illusion I Fell For
When we first met, I saw potential. Isn’t that what so many of us women see? He said the right things, quoted Scripture, talked about God’s plan. He could sound like a man of faith. And I wanted to believe. I wanted to believe that behind the rough edges there was a man who just needed a little grace, a little encouragement, a little help stepping into the man God had called him to be.
I prayed for him. I cheered for him. I excused behavior I should have questioned, because I convinced myself it was temporary. He had wounds, yes, but didn’t we all? And I thought my love could be part of his healing.
But here’s what I now know: love cannot cure abuse. Grace cannot transform a man who refuses to submit to God. Prayer cannot override his free will if he chooses deception over truth.
The Cracks in the Mask
It started small. A sharp word. A dismissive comment. A promise broken with a casual shrug. At first, I thought maybe he just had bad days like anyone else. But over time, the truth became undeniable: he did not see his behavior as wrong.
He very rarely apologized. Instead, he blamed me. If I cried, I was “too sensitive.” If I spoke up, I was “disrespectful.” If I tried to defend myself, suddenly my mouth was the problem. To him, submission meant silence — never disagreeing with him, never having a voice, never naming the hurt.
He once told me that if we lived in Bible times, they would have cut my “f****** head off” — all because I dared to say his words hurt me. That wasn’t a joke. That was how he saw me: not as a partner, but as someone to dominate.
And then came the spiritual manipulation: Scriptures twisted to justify selfishness, anger excused as “righteous,” control disguised as “headship.” This was spiritual abuse in Christian marriage, plain and simple.
And the hardest part? He could turn on the charm in front of others. To them, he looked like a man of God. Behind closed doors, I saw the truth.
What It Felt Like to Live in It
I lived in constant confusion. One moment he was affectionate, the next he was a storm. I never knew what version of him would walk in the room. My body carried the stress: chest tightness, sleepless nights, stomach knots that wouldn’t go away.
I questioned myself daily: Am I too sensitive? Am I overreacting? Maybe I am the problem. That is the poison of gaslighting — you begin to doubt your own reality.
I tried harder. I prayed harder. I forgave faster. But nothing changed. The outbursts came quicker. The manipulation grew bolder. And then came the shove across the room — the moment I realized his anger had no brakes.
The Breaking Point
The day came when I realized: this is not love. This is not covenant. This is not God’s plan for me.
A man who curses, manipulates, and degrades is not walking in Christ. “Out of the same mouth proceed blessing and cursing. My brethren, these things ought not so to be” (James 3:10 NKJV).
A man who shoves you across a room, calls you names, and treats you like trash is not a protector — he is an abuser. A man who uses Scripture as a weapon is not a man of God — he is a man hiding behind religion.
And the longer I stayed, the more pieces of myself I lost.
So I finally believed what God had been showing me all along: when a man shows you who he is, believe him. Don’t believe the rare apology. Don’t believe the fake facade. Believe the fruit. Believe the pattern. Because it will not change unless he truly repents — and most refuse to.
These were clear signs he’s emotionally abusive, not a man of God.
Sometimes life unravels in ways we never expected. I wrote about this season in The Winds of Change: When Life Doesn’t Go as Planned.
Emotional Abuse Signs I Ignored Too Long
Here are the emotional abuse signs I wish I had run from sooner:
- Explosive anger used to intimidate.
- Name-calling and cursing meant to belittle.
- Scriptures twisted to control me.
- Being told I was “too sensitive” whenever I cried.
- Being shoved or physically intimidated.
- Being isolated from people who cared.
- Seeing a holy mask in public and cruelty in private.
- Rare or absent apologies — paired with blame-shifting.
- Others’ concerns dismissed as “overreaction.”
- Responsibility always deflected back onto me.
Sister, if you are recognizing abuse in Christian relationships, hear me: it will not get better. It will not go away. It will only get worse.
The True Mark of a Godly Man
A Godly man does not need to wear a mask. He is consistent in public and in private. His leadership looks like servanthood, not control. “For even the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give His life a ransom for many” (Mark 10:45 NKJV).
His words build up, not tear down. He provides and protects with integrity. He repents when wrong and changes his behavior.
If a man says he is of God but bears no fruit of the Spirit, believe the evidence. “But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, longsuffering, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control” (Galatians 5:22–23 NKJV).
The Truth About Submission
One of the ways abuse hides is behind a distorted picture of “submission.” I lived under the lie that a godly wife never disagrees, never speaks up, never questions, and never names the hurt. That isn’t submission — that’s oppression.
Submission does not mean erasing yourself. It doesn’t mean self-sacrifice to the point of silence. True submission is not one-sided control; it is mutual honor and respect under Christ.
“Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ” (Ephesians 5:21 NKJV). Submission is active, not passive. It’s two people showing up, both willing, both honoring, both choosing love freely. It cannot be coerced.
Distorted submission says, “You can never disagree.” But how can you live as a whole person — with a God-given mind, heart, and voice — if you’re never allowed to express what you think, need, or feel? That isn’t covenant; it’s control.
“She opens her mouth with wisdom, and the teaching of kindness is on her tongue” (Proverbs 31:26 NKJV). A godly wife does not lose her voice — she uses it with wisdom. True submission is an attitude of respect and humility, not silence and fear.
So if a man demands submission but refuses accountability, humility, or mutual respect — he is not walking in biblical authority. He is twisting God’s Word for his own control.
A Clear Call: Run — Don’t Walk
I’m not talking about prideful cutting off or vengeance. I’m talking about protecting the life God gave you. If you are seeing emotional abuse signs now — don’t wait. The cycle escalates. The lies get louder. The damage goes deeper.
Run toward safety. Run toward your healer, toward friends who will believe you, toward practical protections if needed. Run toward God — but not back into the arms of a man who refuses to change.
God does not condone abuse. He calls us to peace, to tenderness, to covenantal faithfulness — not cruelty. “God has called us to peace” (1 Corinthians 7:15 NKJV). “The Lord tests the righteous, but the wicked and the one who loves violence His soul hates” (Psalm 11:5 NKJV).
Understand this: I am in no way advocating for women to leave their marriages simply because things aren’t going their way or because the relationship feels difficult. Marriage requires endurance, grace, and forgiveness. What I am talking about here is real abuse — whether mental, emotional, verbal, financial, or physical. Abuse that degrades, manipulates, isolates, or destroys. Abuse is never God’s will for your life. A man who refuses to line up with the Word of God and does not exhibit the fruit of the Spirit is not a man of God, no matter what mask he wears in public.
The Day I Chose to Run
Walking away was the hardest thing I’ve ever done. I still loved the man I wished he could be. But I had to face the truth: that man was never real. The man in front of me was the truth.
Leaving meant loss. Nights of tears. Fear of the unknown. But staying would have cost me my soul. “For what will it profit a man if he gains the whole world, and loses his own soul?” (Mark 8:36 NKJV).
So I ran. And I’m still running — into the arms of Jesus, into healing, into safety. And every step I take away from abuse is a step back toward myself.
If You Are Still Hoping It Will Change
I know the ache. I know the bargaining you’re doing in your mind: “But he apologized. But he cried. But what if next time is different?”
Please hear me: change without repentance is an illusion. Repentance is not words — it is fruit. It is accountability. It is consistency over time. If you don’t see that, you will only keep circling the same pain.
These are not misunderstandings. These are signs he’s emotionally abusive.
Practical Steps Toward Freedom
- Tell someone safe — a friend, a pastor, a counselor. Don’t stay isolated.
- Document everything — texts, messages, incidents. You may need them later.
- Secure your finances — separate accounts, emergency stash, change passwords.
- Take care of your health — stress takes a toll; see your doctor if needed.
- Find a safe place — family, friends, or a shelter.
- Pray for protection and clarity — and act on what God shows you.
To the Church
Church, stop covering for abusive men. Stop silencing women in the name of keeping peace. Stop telling us to “pray harder” while we are being destroyed. Protect the women. Hold the men accountable. That is the Gospel lived out.
God has already given His leaders clear instructions:
“Those who are sinning rebuke in the presence of all, that the rest also may fear” (1 Timothy 5:20 NKJV).
“And have no fellowship with the unfruitful works of darkness, but rather expose them” (Ephesians 5:11 NKJV).
“Therefore rebuke them sharply, that they may be sound in the faith” (Titus 1:13 NKJV).
Jesus Himself said: “Moreover if your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault between you and him alone. If he hears you, you have gained your brother. But if he will not hear, take with you one or two more… And if he refuses to hear them, tell it to the church” (Matthew 18:15–17 NKJV).
The Word of God is clear: sin is not to be hidden, minimized, or excused. It must be confronted, exposed, and dealt with. When church leaders cover for abusive men in the name of “keeping the peace,” they are not protecting the Body — they are enabling wolves to prey on the flock.
My Closing to You, Sister
You are worth more than this. You are worth honor, safety, tenderness, and covenantal love. Abuse is not your portion. Broken promises are not your inheritance.
If you are standing where I once stood, let my story be your sign. Don’t wait. Don’t hope for the mask to stay on. Believe him. Run while you can still run.
And know this: God sees you. He has not abandoned you. He will restore you. “The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit” (Psalm 34:18 NKJV). “To give them beauty for ashes, the oil of joy for mourning, the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness” (Isaiah 61:3 NKJV).
God is still the God of restoration.
I write this so you won’t stay bound to what God never intended. If these words help even one woman discern abuse from covenant love and step toward the healing of Christ, then my pain will have been turned into someone else’s freedom.
— Teresa
